


Young Mister Solo

by SpaceWaffleHouseTM



Series: One Shots from the Waffle House [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Author pretends they drop f bombs in Star Wars, Canon Compliant, Gen, Han and Leia don't deserve this, This would be G Rated if not for the Skywalker's Potty Mouth, toddler ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-06 23:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17354807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceWaffleHouseTM/pseuds/SpaceWaffleHouseTM
Summary: While communicating with a fellow senator, Leia accidentally drops a few new, vulgar words on her four year old son, which wouldn't be a problem, if Ben Solo didn't have the mouth of a sailor.





	Young Mister Solo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HarpiaHarpyja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarpiaHarpyja/gifts), [Daisyflo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyflo/gifts).



> To the people I coauthored a sinful pineapple fic who inspired this, thanks for putting up with my antics, and writing with y'all is a treasure. 
> 
> To everyone else, your local author knows dick about star wars canon, is just writing this for a laugh, and is very much aware that swearing isn't this prevalent, and they have alternatives, but... it ain't as funny if we just have Ben screaming kriff. 
> 
> Also slight lack of editing, but this is also... pure crack...

There were very few days of his early childhood that Ben Solo could remember vividly. Most of them had been worn away by the natural passage of time, or much later on in his life, they’d been destroyed in efforts to appease a master that didn’t love him. But in his youth, he’d been a happy child, always delighted with learning things and frequently sticking his nose in places it didn’t belong. 

In short, he absolutely loved eavesdropping. It was easily one of his favorite things to do. The second he learned how to walk and talk, everyone around him was utterly screwed. He’d heard too many things, things he probably shouldn’t have heard for a child of the age of four, but Ben didn’t understand half of what his mother talked about. 

What the heck was a senate or a republic anyway?

But the day of his early youth that stuck with him the most was definitely when his mother was talking via com link with another senator about some sort of dispute. What they were talking about didn’t matter to him. It didn’t phase him at all. No, Ben could not care less about the subject matter, and he had forgotten it if he were being honest. He told the story a different way every time he told it, telling to a group of young padawans gathered around a fire as if his mother had been debating blowing something up, told it to his own uncle as his mother getting angry over his father’s driving skills, and much, much later on to the last Jedi as the actual truth. 

The subject of her conversation was unimportant, what was important was a new word that his mother said, one that he’d never heard before. No, more than one. It was a flurry of new words she shouted with a passion periodically throughout her call. “What the  _ fuck  _ was he thinking pulling the budget on agriculture law like that? The outer rim doesn’t have the same sources as we do! That  _ absolute fucking asshole! _ ” he heard her shout. 

Ben walked out into the central living space of his home, still concealed thanks to his short height being lower than that of the counter he was passing as his mother continued yelling about the agriculture debate she was undergoing with another senator. “Well, it’s simple to me really, if you’re running a government, you cannot, you absolutely cannot be shit at it! You have to be good at your job, you can’t be a dickless fuck with no sense of-”

She was cut off, then, but Ben still sat down on the ground, crossing one leg over the other as he brushed his unruly black hair out of his face, and listened eagerly for more. “What the fuck is this man doing in the senate other than making his father happy? I just… this stupid motherfucker-- _ Ben! _ ”

His mother’s face was contorted into a horrified, shocked expression when he looked up, and he didn’t know what to make of it. What had he done wrong this time? All he’d done had been stand there and listen. 

“Listen, Ben, sweetheart, how much of that did you hear?” Leia asked as she quickly hung up her call, and rushed over to her son, placing two hands delicately on either of his shoulders. 

“Nothin’” Ben replied casually, telling the first lie he could ever remember telling in the process, because his little four year old brain was currently repeating the “fuck” word over and over again like a mantra.

Before his mother got the chance to ask him if he was lying, the door to their rather large and luxurious - at least, that’s how he remembered it, he was much smaller back then - opened, and in came his father and - if the voices were anything to go by - his uncle Lando. Ben was running on his small, child feet toward the door, screaming for his father and uncle before being lifted into the air by the former of the two, his father’s grinning face staring up at him as he twirled his son in the air. 

“Hey, kid,” Han said casually, letting Ben rest on his hip once he finished making him dizzy. “You miss me?”

Ben gave him an enthusiastic nod, his new favorite word temporarily forgotten as he watched his mother walk up and greet his father.    


“Sometimes, you have really good timing,” she told him, then before his father could give a smug reply, she held up a finger to his chest. “ _ Sometimes _ .”

Han still smirked at his wife before leaning in for a brief kiss that made Ben gag in his uncle’s direction. “Sorry kid,” he replied, then he looked down at Ben’s mother. “You going to be okay tonight?”

She gave a shrug. “I’ll survive, even if I have to listen to five f- five hours of that no good trash compactor reject being absolutely wrong.”

“Are you leaving?” Ben asked softly, then he watched as Leia’s eyes went soft. 

“Only for a few hours, Ben, I promise. I’ll be back, alright, sweetheart?”

Ben gave her a pout, but then he smiled a little as she leaned forward, and kissed his forehead, then kissed his father again on the lips, inducing another gag, and a laugh from the adults in the room. “Be safe, Leia,” his father said. 

“It’s not me you need to worry about,” she replied, then with a kiss to Lando’s cheek, his mother walked out of the apartment, and headed into town for the meeting with  _ that absolute fucking asshole _ .

Once they were alone, Han set Ben down, muttering something about dinner as he walked into their kitchen, and the toddler wandered over to his uncle, who instantly bent down to greet him with a smile on his face. “Wanwo,” Ben said ecstatically, throwing his arms around his uncle’s neck. 

“How are you, young Mister Solo?”

“I learned a new word!”

“Did you now?”

“I learned a few!”

“What were they, then?”   


“Yeah! Earlier I heard mom call that senator a fucking asshole!”

On the other side of the counter, his father dropped the holo-pad he was holding. “ _ What?” _

“ _ Dickless fuck! _ ” Ben screamed, and this time, both his uncle and his father were blinking at him, their jaws completely on the floor as the toddler continued swearing delightedly. “Dickless!”

His father stuttered over himself as he walked out from behind the counter, and knelt down to Ben’s level, exchanging a bewildered look with his uncle before he swallowed nervously. “Ben, did I hear you say your mother taught you that language?”

He nodded enthusiastically. “Fuck yeah!”

“Okay, Ben, did she tell you that… you shouldn’t say those things?” Lando asked, concern lacing his expression. 

Ben, age four, did not register the concern. “Fuck no!”

Han and Lando looked at one another again, this time in panic. This was far from the first time they’d exchanged such a look when it came to parenting Ben, but it always meant that he was in trouble, every single time. He raised his hand to his mouth, biting nervously at the tip of his thumb as he watched them. “Ben,” his father said slowly, resting a hand on his little shoulder. “I’m gonna need you to stop saying shit like - stuff like that -”

“Shit!” Ben screamed in response, leaping away from his father as he walked around the room yelling another joyous word which he had no clue what the meaning was. “Shit! Shit! Shit!”

“He’s like a bird,” Han muttered, then he began chasing after Ben, trying desperately not to utter anymore of the forbidden words as he ran his son around their home until he finally seemed to be worn out, and a big sigh left his lips as he finally stopped running around the room, and sat down on the ground. 

His father then knelt down in front of him again, giving a gesture the toddler didn’t understand either before he turned to face Ben, and sighed. “Son, I need you to stop saying all of your new words. They’re forbidden, do you understand?”

Ben frowned. “But dad… what if I meet someone who’s a fucking asshole?”

“You don’t have to call them that, Ben.”

“What if I want to?”

“No, sir,” Han muttered sarcastically, then he scooped his son up into his arms. “Time for dinner, you behave yourself.”

“Aw…”

“No new words…”

“...  _ dickless… _ ” Ben whispered lowly enough that his dad didn’t hear it - at least, he thought he didn’t, he would later find out at a celebration about ten years later that his father had, in fact, heard it, and barely refrained from crying laughing - as he carried him into the kitchen. 

By the time they finished eating, Ben was thoroughly exhausted, only receiving one last burst of energy before it was bedtime, said burst coming from the sound of his mother coming home from her rather brief meeting with the senate, which caused him to run up to her with the last of his strength. The small child screamed out for his mother, causing both his uncle and his father to cringe from the high pitched sound. 

This time it was Leia who swept him from the ground, holding him in her arms as she greeted her husband. Ben groaned again at their display of affection, but then he was pouting for a different reason as Lando stepped forward, saying his goodbyes to the two of them, then offering Ben a small kiss on the forehead before he walked out, leaving the Organa-Solos alone for the night. 

“Alright, you rascal, let’s put you to bed,” Han said as he and his mother walked into his bedroom, and soon Ben was being tucked beneath cool sheets that looked up at a fake, starry sky. “Good night, Ben.” 

“Sweet dreams,” came from his mother, and Ben had to bite his lip from yelling his new favorite words back at his parents, the words he’d wanted nothing more than to say ever since his father had told him such things were banned. After all, he didn’t understand  _ why _ they were banned yet. As far as he was concerned, his father and uncle were just trying to stop him from having fun. 

Once his parents stepped away, Ben’s face burst into a grin that was downright shit eating, then, at the top of his lungs, just as they were walking through the doorway, he screamed, “ _ Good fucking night you absolute fucking dickless assholes!” _ And his parents both froze at the door, his mother turning around in shock and horror while his father was mostly just very amused. 

“Oh no,” Leia muttered. 

“Oh yes,” Han replied, then he patted his wife’s shoulder. “Congratulations, honey, our son learned new words today.”

“ _ Fuck _ ,” she breathed, then Ben immediately burst out into screams, yelling the word over and over again as his parents looked at one another, and shook their heads. 

“Go to sleep, Ben,” his father told him, then Ben stopped swearing for a moment as he listened to his advice. 

“And stop saying those things,” his mother added, though she was smiling sweetly at him as she held onto the doorframe. She then looked up at Han, managing to look both kind and completely exasperated at the same time as she added, “We’ll have to put an end to it in the morning.”

“Agreed,” Han replied, then he placed a hand on the small of his wife’s back, and led her out of the room, wishing his son a goodnight one last time before he left, his footsteps echoing down the hallway already.

A smile rose to the toddler’s face as he collapsed into his pillow, then he waited patiently until they were gone from the room to shout one, last, victorious, “ _ Good fucking night, Dad!” _ into the night, then he last thing he heard before he curled up into a fit of giggles was the sound of his parents slapping their foreheads with frustration.


End file.
